"I want you. I want you forever, now, yesterday, and always. Above all, I want you to want me. No matter where I am or what I am doing, I am not safe from your spell." -- Dorothy Tennov (Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love)

▶️ Watch the full video: What Is Limerence and How Can You Escape the Limerence Trap

Nothing captures the human condition more than the yearning to love and be loved. Even the most pragmatic people can turn into daydreaming poets when caught in the throes of romance and passion. The prospect of being enveloped in an all-consuming love is thrilling, and perhaps, foolishly, makes us believe that we'll finally feel complete.

But what if that deep-in-your-bones longing you feel for someone isn't love at all?

If that aching consumes your life to the point where you can't think of anything else, you can't focus on work, forget to eat, lose interest in hobbies that used to bring you joy, and neglect other relationships, you may be suffering from limerence.

Remember, feeling limerence for someone doesn't mean you're broken. You're human. We all long to be seen, understood, and loved. But somewhere along the way, your brain confused attention with connection. It's sending you a message about your unmet needs; you just need to decipher it and take the first steps towards healing.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is an unexpected, overwhelming, and intense infatuation that mimics the feeling of "being in love." Often unreciprocated, its impact can be debilitating, leading to significant emotional distress and negative outcomes. The person suffering from limerence is called the limerent.

This sudden, intrusive invasion of thought and feeling transforms the limerent in a Jekyll-and-Hyde-like fashion, leaving them completely at the mercy of the Limerbeast. In this case, the object of your desire is called the limerent object, or LO.

Interestingly enough, an LO is typically someone that you don't know well. At first thought, being obsessed with someone you're not close with may seem strange, but that distance and mystery are precisely what allow your mind to maintain the fantasy.

While sexual attraction isn't a requisite for limerence to occur, the limerent often feels sexual desire, in addition to romantic desire, for their LO.

Features of Limerence

Because there is overlap between limerence and healthy romantic feelings, it can be difficult at first to distinguish the two. That being said, limerence typically serves the needs of the limerent rather than the well-being of the LO, disrupts every aspect of your life, and is driven by intense anxiety and fear.

• Intrusive thoughts: You can't help but obsess over LO, even if you want nothing more than to rid yourself of these feelings. Almost all your waking thoughts are about them.

• Invasion by the "Limerbeast": It feels like your mind has been taken over by a separate entity that has complete control over your emotions and behavior.

• Acute sensitivity to interpret signals from LO favourably: You hyperfocus on every little thing they do and interpret them as interest from your LO, even if those signals could be neutral or negative.

• Neglect of your real life: The obsession and passion for your LO is so intense that you neglect your usual interests, other relationships, and responsibilities. Your real life takes a backseat to the fantasy.

• Ignoring LO's flaws: Not only are you blind to your LO's flaws, but oftentimes, limerence will cause you to transform them into positive attributes in your head. For example, you might see inconsistent communication as a focus on their career and ambition. You might even feel special that they choose to use their precious free time to speak to you.

• Fluctuations of mood depending on LO's behavior: You feel like you're floating on a cloud, even euphoric, when your LO seems to reciprocate your feelings. You're on the highest of highs, but if they ignore you or show interest in someone else, this can bring you to the lowest of lows (e.g., extreme uncertainty, anxiety, depression, and in severe cases, suicidal thoughts).

• Intense fear of rejection: You fear rejection from your LO, which can sometimes be incapacitating.

• Unsettling shyness and awkwardness: You're not entirely yourself and get really nervous in your LO's presence, especially in the beginning and whenever you feel uncertainty.

• Intensification through adversity: Obstacles that get in the way of you and your LO being together actually make the feelings of limerence stronger (to a certain point).

"It is limerence, not love, that increases when lovers are able to meet only infrequently or when there is anger between them. No wonder those who view limerence from an external vantage are baffled by what seems more a form of insanity than a form of love." -- Dorothy Tennov

Struggling with obsessive thoughts about someone you can't stop thinking about? Explore Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health →

Why Does Limerence Occur?

While the body of research on limerence is still growing, we can theorize what causes limerence in certain people based on the available data.

Anxious Attachment Style

Children who grew up receiving inconsistent attention and affection from primary caregivers often develop an anxious attachment style, which is characterized by preoccupation with their relationship, emotional dependence, and low self-esteem. For example, their parents were always busy at work or neglectful due to their own mental health issues. Anxious-avoidants yearn for the acceptance and approval of others.

Limerence is triggered when an outside person, or "hero/heroine" type figure, comes into their life and "saves" them. This could be someone like an aunt or family friend who visits once in a while and takes them out to the amusement park and buys them their favorite candy.

The uncertainty of when they'll see this person again and the physical and emotional distance between them cause the limerent to hyperfixate on the fantasy. Because they don't spend enough time with this hero or heroine for the idealization to wear off, the limerent's brain believes, "Holy crap, perfect people exist!"

Note: Many resources online attach limerence to this attachment style. While this is definitely a factor in limerence, it's not the only factor at play.

Genetic Predisposition to OCD

People with limerence have similar symptoms to OCD, including compulsivity, intrusive thoughts, and engaging in ritualistic behaviors to soothe their anxiety (e.g., repeating affirmations multiple times before they can go about their day). They're not necessarily OCD enough to have OCD, but they have an intrusive thinking style and have likely suffered through some kind of attachment injury in their childhood.

ADHD-Like Behaviors and Mental Processes

As someone dealing with limerence, you may also exhibit some ADHD symptoms, particularly the tendency for fantasy as a coping mechanism (aka maladaptive daydreaming) and the inability to control your attention, which is why you constantly deal with intrusive thoughts.

Activation of Your Sympathetic Nervous System (SNS)

It's not just in your head. Limerence can also be caused by the activation of your sympathetic nervous system. Your fight or flight response is hyperactive, and it gets soothed by the LO's positive responses. If they don't respond in the desired manner, you could experience nausea, headaches, GI upset, shallow breathing, and more.

How a Limerent Episode Ends

Limerence can last anywhere from a few days to a lifetime, but Dorothy Tennov, the psychologist who coined the term in her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love, estimates it most commonly lasts between 18 months and three years. Here are a few ways that a limerent episode gets resolved:

LO Rejects the Limerent

Being rejected by an LO can be extremely painful. You can feel hopelessness and even fall into depression because you yearn so badly for a savior who will make you feel complete, even if you're not conscious of these feelings in the moment. However, with time, if it's clear that you can never be with your LO and you have yet to work through the root causes of your limerence, the limerence will transfer to another person.

Mixed Response

When your LO gives you a mixed response (for example, they still remain somewhat distant, perhaps there's friendship but no romance or sex) the limerence can actually be intensified. This is because you can still idealize the person, but they're giving some attention, so you're still hopeful that you can take your relationship to the next level.

LO and Limerent Get Into a Relationship

If you actually get into a relationship with the LO, it feels incredible at first. It's like all your dreams have come true. However, because limerence is based on fantasy and you love the idea of the person rather than the person themselves, you'll eventually lose feelings for them, which often leads to disappointment. The fantasy falls apart as you discover their flaws, and there's no more uncertainty about where you stand. Similarly to when the LO rejects the limerent, the limerence can transfer to another person once the feelings dissipate.

Tools for Overcoming Limerence

Healing from limerence can be extremely taxing mentally and physically. Let's not mince words; you'll probably have many ups and downs on your journey, but it's not hopeless. Many people have come out the other side. It's important to take it one small step at a time without expecting drastic changes immediately.

Get to the Root of Your Anxious Attachment Style

Start by looking back at that original episode or moment in time where you first felt limerence for your LO. Explore what triggered it.

In what ways did you think your LO would heal your unmet needs? Is it not feeling good enough? Do you desire admiration? Do you have a fear of abandonment? What is in you that feels incomplete or unfulfilled? And can you link that back to your childhood and your primary caregivers?

It's only when you understand where your limerence is coming from that you can start to find solutions.

Learn from People Who Have Secure Attachment Styles

Healing from limerence doesn't mean swearing off emotional connection. It means learning how to bond in healthy, reciprocal ways. One of the most practical (and healing) things you can do is spend more time around people who exhibit secure attachment.

People with secure attachment styles tend to:

• Set and respect boundaries (of both parties)

• Express affection without hot-and-cold behavior

• Communicate clearly and honestly

• Take responsibility for their emotions without blaming others

Observe how they navigate relationships. Let their behavior model a more stable, grounded version of connection. It's not about copying them, but letting their presence recalibrate your sense of what love can look like: less rollercoaster-like, more mutual care.

Want to understand your attachment style and how it shapes your relationships? Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health covers attachment theory, trauma, and more →

Seek Help from a Mental Health Professional

While there's a lot that one can do on their own and with the help of loved ones, sometimes working with a trained mental health professional can give us the tools to make progress quicker and sustain that progress for a longer period of time.

Therapy can help limerents understand what healthy relationships look like, explore better ways of forming bonds with people, and recognize toxic behavioral patterns as they arise. Seek out therapists who are familiar with attachment theory, relational trauma, or obsessive thought patterns.

Reality-Based Approach

Be conscious of the mental gymnastics you do to continually interpret small signals from your LO as positive. Ask yourself, "What has my brain perceived and what literally happened?"

Imagine that you're a third party observing the interactions you have with your LO. If they smiled and said hi at the party one time, it doesn't mean that they're into you. Or if they asked you how your day went and made small talk, you shouldn't immediately jump to the conclusion that they're interested.

"Limerence is, above all else, mental activity. It is an interpretation of events, rather than the events themselves. You admire, you are physically attracted, you see, or think you see (or deem it possible to see under 'suitable' conditions), the hint of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion." -- Dorothy Tennov

Recalibrate Your SNS

The Limerbeast doesn't just take over your mind, it hijacks your body, too. When you're flooded with longing, anxiety, or dopamine-driven highs and crashes, your SNS is likely in overdrive.

Use traditional mind-body practices to calm down your SNS (e.g., lowering your adrenaline, blood pressure, and cortisol). Activities like yoga, tai chi, going for walks in nature, and breathing exercises are great for this, allowing you to feel more grounded and think more clearly.

Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health

Dr. K has put together some video resources that can help you better understand limerence, where it comes from, and how you can start putting an end to these intense, debilitating feelings.

• The "Anxious" Personality: Learn how your personality can develop to be prone to anxiety in this video about attachment theory and how our brains can be wired toward anxious attachment.

• The Fantasy Trap: Learn how your mind uses fantasy to protect you from negative emotion, and how this coping mechanism can lead you to be trapped in a false world where growth and change become nearly impossible.

• Understanding ADHD & Anxiety: Learn about the relationship between ADHD and anxiety. This video explores the neuroscience behind this relationship and explains why someone impacted by ADHD can find difficulty controlling negative emotions.

• Meditation & Emotions: Learn a straightforward meditation technique to help relieve emotional energy. Emotions like anxiety or sadness can manifest physically, and this practice helps you identify and relax physical and emotional states.

Get the full guide, which includes modules about Trauma, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety, and Meditation, and learn how to unblock what's holding you back and lead a more fulfilling life.

Limerence Isn't the Be All End All

Limerence can feel like a complete loss of control of your life. It's an electrifying pull you can't fight, a longing so intense it eclipses reality. But as we know, it's not truly about the other person. It's about the fantasy they represent, the unmet needs they seem to fulfill, and the emotional patterns you've carried with you, often since childhood.

Escaping limerence isn't about forcing yourself to "get over it." It's about slowing down, turning inward, and learning how to love yourself, rather than expect another person to be the answer to all your problems. This journey can be confusing and painful at times, but you don't have to do it alone. Working with a coach who understands limerence and attachment wounds can provide the guidance, structure, and accountability you need to move forward.

HG Coaching offers a space where you can:

• Address the root problems that fuel your obsession

• Learn tools to regulate your nervous system and reduce intrusive thoughts

• Set boundaries with compassion, for yourself and others

• Rebuild a life that feels full, grounded in reality, and yours again

You deserve relationships where love is mutual, not imaginary. Where you are chosen, not chasing. Where the highs aren't addictive because the foundation is already steady.

Ready to start your journey toward healthier relationships? Learn more about HG Coaching →